Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Last Night in Wonderland

  
It’s late and we’ve gone outside
because fuck it, that party was
dead.

It’s late but we’re on fire
decked out in sequins and glitter
blue eyeliner because once
it made me smile.

The moon is wide awake but the sky
is still lit up by city lights
feels like forever and our future is open
we are free…
yet we can count the hours we have left on
two hands.

It’s late when we walk out and I
turn around and see you my
perfect nemesis and my
heart beats a hundred times
faster because it’s too perfect.
My friend is friendlier than I so
she goes and says hi while I
smile, an idiot-
I see the way you
gape at my dress. Me in it.

You say something about the way it sparkles- 
I sparkle-
but
it’s noisy in here and I can’t
hear you.

I want to say the perfect thing 
leave you feeling excited, afraid
but too soon it gets
awkward and we’re talking and you’re leaving
and my mood sinks like the sun over the horizon.
It’s late and we’re moving closer to sunrise with the
clock that won’t stop ticking because time doesn’t
wait for the right moment.

It’s late when we get back
our last night in Wonderland
feels like we should say
something important
some kind of goodbye.
There’s hugs and promises and I swear I’ve never been friends with more people than
I am right now 
my foolish army of 
everyone who knows nothing about our war 
but where are you?

It’s late when I catch you 
tilting sideways to sing with your own 
army
breaking the same promises I made
with the same people
what about the ones we made together?

It’s late 
but I try to thread a strand of hope into the heavy flag of our battle
anyway but I don’t think you care
not like last time when maybe we'd have
kissed and made up if we hadn't been
so
afraid.

I’d follow you, don’t you get it?
You win
you win and I don't care I'd
give in, I swear it.
In this murky, swimming world we're anchors
but anchors on their own only grow heavy
and sink.

It’s late
so, so late when I get it that
maybe your face isn’t as easy to read as I
thought you made it
thought you wanted me to understand but hey it’s okay
the hours are slipping away
anyway so I
slide out of my dress, push it under the bed
crushing starlit sequin dreams and shed
midnight blue tears in the shower.
A streak of yellow pulls up to my side and I
wave goodbye and force another smile
stepping into my carriage,
my pumpkin,
my fairy tale ending.

I see you one last time and I
turn
my
back.

At the end of the night
my last night in Wonderland 
I realize it's
early so at 4am I
pour my heart onto paper
and dream of a dim new tomorrow.


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